By T. Suzanne Eller
Brooke thought she was losing her mind. She never told anyone what was going on inside of her. She only shared the surface stuff. She laid in her bed and blocked her door so that no one could come in. In her secret sanctuary she began to cut herself. In some weird way it made her feel better. She covered her arms in bandages and hid the cuts under long sleeves. Later she moved to her stomach because there was more room to write.
There are a lot of words to describe what Brooke was doing. Self-injury, cutting, self-inflected violence, self-mutilation. All Brooke knew was that it had become a way to temporarily block her feelings.
Many who self-mutilate cause external injury because it seems less painful than their internal emotions. They cut rather than probe the real problem. Self injury becomes a brutal cycle. A cutter hurts and so they cut themselves. For a moment the pain is released. Then the shame that accompanies cutting pitches them right back into the emotions they just left behind. Before long, like any addicting behavior, the more they cut, the more they need to continue to feel the temporary release.
Cutting isn’t confined to any one gender or race or economic bracket. There is no such thing as a typical cutter. There are just hurting people who have not learned how to express the pain they feel. Some cutters punish themselves through self-injury. Others self-nurture. Cutting, then turning around to tend to themselves with care.
Brooke went to college, hoping that it would be a fresh start. One night she walked down a main street of downtown, looking for something to do. She met a group of guys who stood in the street handing out flyers. They asked her if she knew Jesus Christ and she thought it was a stupid question. How could anyone know God? For the next two hours she stood on the street corner and talked about God. Some friends wandered up and began to make fun of them, telling her to get away. When she bowed her head to pray, her friends cursed at her and mocking the others who were praying with her. .For the first time in a long time Brooke felt real peace. She didn’t care if her friends were cursing at her. She felt sorry for them because the love she felt from God was real and they didn’t realize it. From that moment on, she began a journey as she opened up her life to God and let him in. It was the first step to her healing, both of the scars on her body and those in her heart.
These are things that can help you as you find healing from the cycle of self-mutilation. First, let God in on your pain. He knows what you need before you ask (Matthew 6:6). He has a plan and a purpose for your life. He’s not ashamed of you and he’s not shocked at the symbols of your hurt.
Second, make a decision to stop. No one can make you quit. It’s a choice. Say it out loud to yourself, “I don’t want this anymore. With God’s help, I want to stop.”
Third, share that decision with others. Brooke describes her silence during that time of her life as “ridiculous”. She was involved in school and had friends, but no one really knew her struggles. She blocked out her mom, even when her mother saw the bandages and knew that she was cutting. The cutting is only what is on the surface. Tell someone the real problems. Be real with yourself about them. Choose someone that is mature and caring and let them know about the pain that you are feeling so that you can deal with the real issues. Silence only reinforces the shame, keeping you stuck in the same struggles.
Fourth, have a safe place to go when you are tempted. Many cutters have secret places where they cut. Others have rituals and use the same instruments or perhaps listen to a certain CD while they do it. Get rid of it completely. If you used to cut with other people, don’t think that you can be with them and hope to be strong. When you are tempted, go to your safe place. It might be church or a grandparent’s home or the mall or the park. Choose a place where cutting can’t be hidden.
Last, replace the negative behavior with positive. Brooke felt peace when she painted. For others, it’s writing poetry. Learn something new. Serve others. There are tons of opportunities where you can serve in your community or church. Helping others will help you see your world in a larger perspective and will help you heal.
What about Brooke? Today she is totally free from cutting. She’s still in love with Jesus. There are reminders of her past. When she’s really cold or comes out of the shower she can see the faint outline of the word “Why?” that she carved on her forearm. It was a question that she asked when she had no answers. Today it is a reminder that her scars are healed-in more ways than one.
©2004 T. Suzanne Eller
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