By: Sarah Nutter
I recently spoke to one of my best friends on AOL Instant Messenger about my generation’s acceptance of the concept, “friends with benefits.” The term can be defined as when a guy and girl do physical (sexual) acts together in a strictly platonic sense. My friend, Rebekah, told me that not only does she enjoy having such friends, she believes it is completely appropriate for any young adult or teenager in order to experiment with their bodies, feel good about themselves, and have the satisfaction of fulfilled lustful needs without the baggage that comes with a full-blown relationship. I think this is ridiculous.
To show just how early this idea starts in a teenager, here’s an example directly out of my personal experience. I was a sophomore in high school, talking over the Internet to a freshman. We were discussing “our relationship,” and he said, “We’re just friends.” I completely agreed and told him so (he was like, a foot shorter than me….). He continued, “Friends with benefits.” I decided then and there that I was born in the wrong decade. “No,” I said, “we are NOT friends with benefits. That’s sick.” Fortunately, the conversation didn’t damage our friendship at all, but every time I look at my friend, I wonder why he gave in to the lusts of so many people our age and actually asked me to be his “physical girlfriend.” Since that day, not only have I heard my peers talk about being friends with benefits, I have also heard the topic discussed in magazines and on television. The concept is sweeping the nation fast. It disgusts me.
My friend Rebekah told me in our online conversation that one of the reasons she enjoys having friends with benefits is because she likes to experiment with her body. She wants to be a better kisser; therefore, she finds a male friend and he teaches/shows her exactly what moves to make. This applies to every single physical act of affection there is. Rebekah has limits as to how far she’ll go without it being an actual romantic relationship, but she certainly doesn’t mind letting a handful of guys try her lips on for size. The problem with her reasoning is that experimentation is part of the FUN of being in an actual relationship! I know that when I meet my future husband, I’ll have the best time figuring out with him just how he likes to kiss and just how I should kiss him back. When I’m married, I can learn how to please my husband. It will be so incredibly special knowing that I saved myself for him physically, that I’m not “used.” The more guys my friend explores the physical benefits of a relationship with, the more she becomes dull to the emotions she would feel should she be in a normal romantic relationship. I feel sorry for her, because when she finds the man she loves, she won’t know the full impact of the physical side of their relationship, simply because she has done those things so many other times.
The second reason for having friends with benefits is self esteem. Rebekah has self-esteem issues, and she feels that in order to rid herself of those, she needs to find a guy who thinks she is attractive enough to make-out with. To her, when someone asks her to do physical acts without any emotional attachment, she equates that with the guy saying she is beautiful. She makes it an emotional encounter. When he touches her and kisses her, she feels emotionally bonded with him, even though, unfortunately, he is only in it for lust (otherwise it would no longer be a “friends with benefits” relationship – it would be an actual relationship). Rebekah will never feel 100% beautiful when, after she has fulfilled the lustful desires, she is discarded, simply because the boy is following the rules of “friends with benefits.” It happens, it ends, he moves on. She thinks she does, too, but how can she erase the emotions stirred within her? How can a girl feel beautiful when she is simply passed from one boy to the next? Maybe I’m wrong. I know, however, that when I fall in love with a man, I will KNOW I am beautiful by the meaning behind his kisses instead of wondering if he is just using me to satisfy his lust.
One of the biggest “perks” of having friends with benefits is there is no relationship outside the physical one that the two involved are tied down to. A girl can do things with several guys and not feel like she is cheating on someone. She is free to live her life as she chooses without having to be held accountable to her boyfriend. It seems like a great life to many people. Okay I hate to be rude, because I’m not judging these people, but to me, girls who have only physical relationships with boys are using the boys as well. Women crave romance more than men. In a “friends with benefits” relationship, they can get their quick fix of romance without the heartache that comes with it. They let themselves pretend they’re dating the boy, if just for a few moments, and they imagine that they are actually in love. Unfortunately, this only breaks their hearts more, over time. I don’t think men have the same problem, because men and women view relationships with the opposite sex differently, though I will not be the one to say that all men are only in such relationships to fulfill their physical desires. I am sure that for some men, having friends with benefits is thoroughly detrimental to their emotional states as well. Some men are more sensitive than others.
I strongly believe that physical displays of affection, such as holding hands, kissing, and having sex are only to be done when the previously-mentioned prepositional phrase “of affection” is true: the couple has to have true affection for each other. It is a mockery of the sacred marriage covenant to treat such beautiful acts in this casual fashion we have created. Some argue that having friends with benefits gives them practice for the “real thing,” yet they will never know the joy of experimenting with the person they love. Others argue that friends with benefits make them feel better about themselves, though how can they, when they are never shown true acts of affection from the person they love (all of the things a quick kiss can not tell them, such as a poem or a rose)? Still others say that having friends with benefits gives them the opportunity to enjoy the pleasure of the physical realm of a relationship without the emotional baggage, yet their emotions are involved, however involuntarily. My hope is that men and women will soon see how detrimental the practice of friends with benefits is to their bodies, minds, and souls. Regret is one of the most painful feelings one can have. I can not wait until I meet the man of my dreams and have no regrets.
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