On Our Knees

By: Courtney Gilmour

I went on a college & careers retreat, without the luxuries of real cold weather wear, (I have a winter coat, a scarf, and boots–that’s about the extent of it for me.) and it was a blast. I had an amazing time with amazing people and the most amazing thing of the entire weekend was the very real spirit of God that was so undeniably present. My writing is nowhere near adequate enough to describe to you what was felt there, and I can tell you that it wasn’t just emotion. When you truly feel God moving in you, and working in your heart, and convicting you—it’s not a happy, dancy feeling. It’s not a high. In fact, it’s discouraging. And draining.

So why would I want that? Because it means that He is speaking to me and telling me to give up my selfish ambitions and completely depend on Him. Completely. It means that God is taking all the crap I fill my life up with and restoring it with His grace. It means I’m broken and finally realizing that not only do I need to stop thinking that I can control my life with my selfish ambitions, my goals to do this and that and go to certain places, but that I am nothing without Him. Nothing. It’s hard to come to terms with that, really hard.

Sometimes I think to myself, “This is my life and I can live it however I want, because in the end it doesn’t matter because God loves me anyhow.” And God does love me anyhow, that’s the incredible thing. But it’s not my life, not when I’ve given it to Christ, to fulfill His plans for His glory. He wants to spend time with me every day, He wants me to follow what He says consistently, all the time, so that He can carry out His purposes through my life, He wants me to be FIRM in my faith around friends and people I don’t know so that it’s not bottled up in my heart only for me. He wants me to do what He told us in Matthew 16 (which I happened to read right when I came home, not knowing that it applied so perfectly to me right now) “If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for me will find it”. And THAT is why I am living. Not for myself. Not for my family who I cherish or the boy I love. Not for materialism. Just for Him. And if I’m faithful along the way, all the rest He will bless me with richly.

Think of 3 things/people/places/items that are most important to you in your life right now. Not in any particular order, but of importance Seriously, close your eyes and think. I’ll tell you what mine are.

1. Education/career and the plans I want concerning that area.
2. my family and friendships
3. desire for true Love/marriage/happily ever afters

Now imagine throwing all of those things and people out a window, forever. That’s the kind of mindset God wants. Is your heart sinking just thinking about that? Mine was. Thankfully, God doesn’t tell us we have to throw those things out of our lives completely. But if He were to ask you to, would you do it? I want to. And that’s what I learned this weekend, that little prayers to Him every now and then are not enough. Even reading His word daily and praying for hours on end isn’t enough. Nothing I can do in this life will ever be enough for the One who gave up His son to save me. Could you love the people in this world enough to sacrifice your one and only child, your son or daughter, for them in a torturous, inhumane, violent way? I don’t have a baby. But I know that I also don’t have enough Love in me to make such a sacrifice even if I did. And to think that I try to control my life and live it so selfishly and according to what goes on around me…to ignore Him when I wake up in the morning and come home from class…..to put other priorities before Him……there are no words.

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