Relationships with Non-Christians

What do you do when a group of non-Christians arrive at the youth group and engage in behavior such as drinking, swearing or smoking? Do you ask them to leave in order to protect the name of the church or the spiritual standing of the young people that have been entrusted to your care by their Christian parents? Do you read them the ‘riot-act’ by letting them know that the group has rules that they are violating? Do you welcome them in, ignore their behavior, in the hope that they will hear the gospel and come to know Christ?

This is a thorny issue in youth ministry. It won’t be long, if it has not already happened, that you will encounter a similar situation. How will you react? What principles will help to guide you as you choose what you think is the best response at the time? Hopefully this article will stimulate further interaction on this issue and provide some principles along the way.

If the youth group is specifically targeting the meeting at non-Christian youth then they should expect that soon or later non-Christian youth will start attending, and they should expect them to act like non-Christians…because that is what they are.

When leaders do feel the need to confront non-Christian youth about their behaviors they should:

The two main leader responses with the possible responses from youth are as follows:

1. Allow Any Behavior If the leader takes the line that these are pre-Christian young people and need to be drawn into the group at all costs so they can hear the gospel, then they may choose to ignore any non-Christian behavior that they encounter. This may lead to a loss of control of their behalf; they may give the impression that they are condoning and encouraging the behavior; and they may be responsible for the influence of such behavior on the youth group members.
2. Enforce Group Rules If the leaders decide that they must preserve the Christian environment in which the young people meet at all costs they may consider it necessary to strictly enforce the group’s rules about non-Christian behavior. This may lead to the exit of non-Christian youth; they may give the youth a negative view of the church and the feeling that God has rejected them, or create confrontational situations when young people refuse to comply with the rules.

The issues that are highlighted by considering these two positions are:

1. Beliefs vs. Behavior Can we honestly expect non-Christian youth to adopt Christian behavior before they have had a heart-change through the gospel of Christ? Is it really such a danger that the beliefs of Christian youth are so weak that they will automatically or inevitably be influenced by non-Christian behavior? Are youth not already exposed to such behavior in their homes, schools and malls?
2. Barriers to Conversion Is it right to allow non-Christian behavior to be a barrier to people coming to faith in Christ? Are we creating the impression that in order to be accepted by God youth have to clean up their act and be acceptable to a youth group’s rules?
3. Conditional vs. Unconditional Love What is unconditional love all about? How do we apply unconditional love into the sphere of non-Christian behavior? Could we create an environment in which youth are loved unconditionally, an environment in which they can find Christ and then through the convicting work of the Holy Spirit grow into Christ likeness?
4. Identifying Serious Behavior Should youth leaders stop and think through about whether the behaviors are indeed serious issues that demand attention? Sometimes people in the church focus on secondary issues that even the Bible is not clear about – sometimes they are merely socially conditioned to speak out against the issue. It would probably be necessary to take action where behaviors are forbidden by the law, but even then the way in which it is handled must be thought through very carefully to ensure that the relationship with the person is not destroyed.
5. Consequences vs. Morality It could be a better option to address issues from a logical rather than from a moral perspective. This gets around the problem of expecting non-Christian youth to obey a Christian morality before they have embraced Christianity. People are not so open to rules these days are they are to reasons (according to Lee Strobes in Inside the Mind of Uncharted Harry and Mary, published by Bondservant) so a better approach would be to explore the consequences of their behavior with them.

The following real-life situation should serve to generate further discussion.

Last Friday night at the Windsor youth group one of the group members who is not a Christian, and who is going through a phase of rebellion and drug use, arrived with four friends. Two of them had visited the group before. The youth group is targeting Friday night at non-Christian young people using a four-week evangelistic strategy. During the early part of the meeting, Joe (names have been changed) was called outside by Ian. Joe and Matthew left the small group they were in and went outside. When it was time for the gospel presentation (using the YWAM video: What’s the Point?) the youth leader noted that some of the young people were ‘missing’. He went outside to find them and saw Joe, Ian and Matthew standing in a group smoking. It was also possible that they were smoking dagga, which is illegal in South Africa. He told them that he was displeased that they were standing outside smoking. He asked them to come inside, but th! ey declined. The leader received a positive response from all the guys except one who got rather aggressive with him. Fortunately the intervention of the guys’ friends, and possibly the size of the youth leader, diffused the situation. The group never did come into the meeting, so they missed the gospel presentation, but they did join the group for a walk to the mall after the gospel input. They seemed to get on well with some of the group members, especially some of the girls. They had exchanged phone numbers by the end of the evening – including the numbers of some of the girls on the leadership team. As leaders we at least had a chance to make contact with the guys during the hour that they were with the group.

The questions you should consider and ask yourself:

1. How do we build relationships with them?
2. How do we share the gospel with them?
3. How do we protect the youth group from negative influences?

Patrick Hardin suggests that Christians need to develop a theology of compromise (Religion and Theology Journal, Volt 4/1, 1997, Pg 21-34, Christian Ethics in a Pluralistic Society: Towards a Theology of Compromise). While the thought may initially sound heretical he is talking about the development of Christian ethics within a pluralistic society. He refers to a continuum with two poles: on the one side there is respect for the convictions of other; while on the other side there is the need to remain true to one’s own beliefs. His ethic of compromise involves facing up to the reality that we are not living in a perfect world and that at times we encounter unavoidable evil. He says that harmony in society exists as we preserve our own convictions and live according to them; and as we respect the convictions and values of others.

The implication for youth ministry situations like the one described above is that leaders need to be tolerant of others and their views or behaviors while they witness to their own perspective, in love. In the New Testament, the believers interacted with the world and culture of their time, yet they remained faithful to the central ethos of love for one another. Our calling as Christians and leaders is to actively work for our position within the framework of a respect for the views of others.

I was chatting to some youth workers here in the cape and they brought up an interesting “problem” happening in the youth on Friday evenings. There is a group of guys and girls who through the course of the evening swoop partners and go into the bathrooms for a kissing session. It is a primitive version of the wife or girlfriend swapping. It made me realize how much youth copy, and need examples! I just wondered how you address this issue??

Wow! Talk about tough issues we face in ministry among youth.

I would ask firstly whether these kids are Christian or non-Christian; churched or uncharted. This will affect the way I approach them. For example, a more important issue in dealing with unsaved youth is to get them to hear about Jesus as Lord and Savior. If I try to get them to clean up them act on their own, they will probably leave – they are unable to change in their own strength anyway – and would not want to. I mean, it is probably a major rush doing what they are doing.

Then, the issue of the place where they are acting out their behavior comes into focus. We have a right to set the limits on what is acceptable on “our” turf. I.e. if it is at a church then we could lay down a guideline that says “There is no be NO kissing in the toilets until further notice” or at least, “without parental supervision”.

Then teaching on sexuality should be considered. We have gone the route of including an Issue Rave in our four-week evangelistic programming strategy. We feel it is important to be addressing relevant issue so that youth start to understand where we are coming from and what the Christian life is all about.

From a distance, I can’t hope to do much more than give a few suggestions – possibly helping you to think about something that has not come to mind – or confirm something you already intend doing.

If I put this issue to my students – I know already how each one would react. One would say: kick them out of the group before they influence others; an opposite reaction would be: but then we will loose them to the kingdom.