By: Christina Morales
I was unusual. I didn’t start dating until I was 18. It’s not that I didn’t want to; it was that I was scared out of my mind. So many girls I knew were boy crazy and made some pretty bad choices. I wanted to be more independent and I didn’t want to give my heart to just anyone.
When I was 18 I met “Alex” at our church youth group. He was everything I wasn’t: outgoing, the center of attention, and when he sang my heart would melt. I thought “this is it. This is who I’ve been waiting for.” I knew my parents couldn’t stand him, so I didn’t tell them that we were dating. My friends also thought I could do better, but Alex made me feel a way that I had never felt before. He showed me a world that I never knew existed. He would call me on the phone and sing me to sleep at night. We would watch old movies on warm summer afternoons at his house. It was wonderful. but not all of the time. He would tell me to lose weight. He said that my behind looked big if I didn’t have pockets on the back of my jeans. I felt guilty for going behind my parent’s backs and disobeying them. Through all of the good things, the way he treated me most of the time was painful. If my parents and closest friends disapproved, something was wrong. I knew it, but the longer Alex and I were together, the harder it was to picture myself without him.
Alex dumped me when I moved away to college. We dated for nine months, and then out of nowhere he broke up with me. Maybe he thought that I was going to grow up and not want him anymore. I don’t know. That summer, six months later, I was still feeling totally heartbroken. I thought that if I dated someone else, the pain would go away. I met “Jake” on a mission trip. We were part of a group that went to Romania to help the orphans there and we did street drama to share the good news of God. Something in my heart told me to stay away, but I just wanted the space left empty by Alex to be filled. I dated Jake for three months and realized this wasn’t “the one” either. He too would look down on me and wanted me to be someone I’m not. I also learned another important lesson: just because a guy claims to be a Christian, it doesn’t mean that he’s not a hormonal jerk. Luckily this time I was the dumper and I didn’t care for him like I cared for Alex.
I was 20 years old at this time and I realized something important: I kept trying to be who everyone else wanted me to be. Until I was the woman that God wanted me to be, it wouldn’t matter who I dated or what I did. I had to figure out what God’s plan was and I had to grow in his love and understanding, then everything else would fall into place. When I feel complete as a child of God, I wouldn’t feel the heartbreak of trying to find acceptance in others.
Fortunately, my parents gave me a chastity key on my 18th birthday (before I started dating Alex). I was to give it to my husband on our wedding night and I was to stay pure until then. Although I gave my heart to these two guys, I did not give away my body or my purity. This little gold charm on my necklace was a symbol to wait to have sex until after marriage. When I would go out with a boy, I always had this constant reminder of the commitment I made to God and myself.
When I looked back at the stupid choices I had made, I decided to make another commitment to God and myself: I was done with dating, at least for two years. I told God that I would go on a “dating fast” so I wouldn’t have any distractions in my Christian walk. I did good for about two weeks. That’s when Jake came for a visit. I regretted my promise to God really bad, but I kept it. It was a good decision too because Jake turned out to be a real loser; he dated several of my friends when I didn’t know it.
The thing that helped me the most through this time was a husband journal. My friend Liza told me she had one. The purpose was to write in the journal and wait for your husband. I started it the night she told me. My best friend Kristina, and I went shopping that night and made a pact to write in it until we got married.
I kept that journal for five years. I would write in it when I felt lonely. I would write what qualities I wanted in a husband that I wouldn’t compromise. I would put in pictures, stickers, ID cards and whatever else represented who I was at that time. I wanted my husband to know that I had been completely committed to him and that I was waiting and praying for the day that we would meet.
After my two-year dating fast ended, I started dating Vince. My family loved him, his sister was one of my best friends, and we became good friends before we ever started dating. I would pray “Please, please, please God let me have him!” And He did. He asked my parents if he could court me. A year and a half later he proposed. I had the wedding of my dreams, but my most special memory is the morning after we landed in Hawaii on our honeymoon; I woke up and found Vince reading my husband journal on the balcony of our hotel room. In that journal I had also taped my chastity key attached to a beautiful gold chain. He had put it around his neck as he read my journal as he watched the sun rise. My dream had come true and proved that God has the best plans.
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